July 2015 – Maximus Davis

I hate to have to post this, I hate that it happened, and I hate cancer. For the past week Max had not been himself. He had been lifeless, he had been losing his ability to control bodily functions, and he had been in pain. Sunday night was bad, I cried during the night because he was crying, when we woke up yesterday morning we knew that it was time to let him go, that it wasn’t fair to him to make him keep fighting for us when he was so tired and hurting so much. We were advised by 2 people the rescue group that he was adopted from the same thing “Remember two things: Quality of life and Dignity, when those two things are in jeopardy, it is time”. Both of those things were starting to slip from our boy, so it was time. During the morning hours I sat with him on the floor and loved on him, he made sure I didn’t stop petting him by using his pyr paw to get my attention. Later, I decided to take Max with me to lunch with a friend, at one of my favorite restaurants, he got to lounge in a flower bed, had a brisket taco, a bunch of grilled chicken, and some chips with bean dip (he wouldn’t eat them plain). After lunch we came home to get his bed, and he rode on it all the way to the vet (and during the whole process). I think he knew what was happening, he didn’t want to (or couldn’t well) walk inside, once we got in the room he laid on his bed and closed his eyes. We sat for a while and loved on him, not sure if we were making the right choice, but then the vet came in. He looked at him and asked how long he had been sleeping (usually Max lifts his head to greet him when he comes in the door, he didn’t this time) our amazing vet was petting him and feeling around to see if he could feel something that could be causing him pain, I didn’t expect for him to find anything…. I was wrong. He located a mass in his abdomen right between his rib cage and right hip that was the size of a cantaloupe and extremely firm. At that time we all agreed that it was time, and there was nothing we could do. The vet administered him a sedative to make him comfortable, and I moved so I could look him in the eyes, and so he could see me, and pet him as much as I could. As I was petting his face I could feel moisture coming from his eyes, call me crazy, but I know he was crying with me. I didn’t expect the next injection to work so fast, I didn’t know what to expect, I had never been through this before, the vet was right… it is pretty much instantaneous. Before I knew it, he was gone, and my heart was shattered. I instantly felt guilt. In the last 4.5 years (he would be 4.5 today), we have spent around 13k to keep this boy healthy and alive, so we could all enjoy each others company and love, and in an instant he was gone forever. I wonder if we could have spent another few thousands of dollars to treat him, I wonder if he would have been okay then, I wonder if he could have beat cancer then. Those questions I will never know the answer to. What I do know is 3 weeks ago, this mass wasn’t there, 3 weeks ago, I was sure it was back in his brain (still think it was), 4 weeks ago, he seemed to be better, and now he is gone.

My husband and I came home, I placed his collar around my rearview mirror, and went to pick up our 2.5 year old daughter, a girl who loves Max and has since she was born. When we got in the car at her school she immediately pointed at the collar and said “Mamma, whats that?” I couldn’t answer her. When we walked in the door at home, she immediately went and picked up the box of milk bones from the island in the kitchen (Max had about 20 of them yesterday) reached in and said “I need to give them to them”. (Layla our lab mix was at her feet already) and then it happened for the first time. These words came out of her mouth, and I completely lost it, “Wheres Max?” she looked at me with the most concerned eyes as I cried. I think my crying distracted her away from her original question, and that is a good thing. At the dinner table it happened again, he wasn’t laying in the floor at her feet, “Where’s Max?” All I could say is “Max isn’t here baby, Max’s boo boo doesn’t hurt anymore, but Max isn’t here”. Later she picked up Layla’s food bowl and carried it around as she always did, trying to find Max to feed, my heart broke even more. I cried all day yesterday and was completely exhausted, I feel bad saying this, but I slept great, and didn’t expect to, but it was nice to just sleep.

I still can’t believe I will never hear him bark again, he will never greet me at the door again, he will never lay with me again, and that I will never hear Aven say “Hi Max, how are you? You got a boo boo?” Again.

So I leave you with this final post, as I am sadly no longer a Tripawd mom. Here are photos from the last few weeks, and some of the professional photos I had our photographer take of us about 3 weeks ago.